Day 80

Day 80:

I have continued to grow out my hair. We took a pair of scissors out a month or so ago, and did a few snips; two on either side at the back, and one at the front. Only on one side at the front, to create what I hear is known as a 'fringe'. I don't really know much about hair or hairdressing at all, when someone asks me what hairstyle I would like when they are going to cut it, I say 'less'. My attention has been drawn to this subject again because many people around me have suggested that I get a 'less' done. 

Whilst combing my hair this morning, I realised that it can now stretch below my right eye, and I just can't get it out of my head. The only way to do that now would be to really cut it, with the electric hair razor. However, something is holding me back from wanting to do this. Yes, it now knots up at the back while I sleep so much that I often pull some of it out when trying to correct it, and I now have my own personal hair curtains to part to be able to see, I know that all this has taken months to grow, and part of me doesn't want to let it go.

Is this a really dull and pointless topic right now? I have to cut it at the front at some point, so why let it continue to bother me and take up time and focus? Having it cut is a real household activity and talking point (since we do all the haircuts ourselves after the pandemic), it could be very good for me. As the old saying goes, 'less' is more. I've never held back from doing it before, and perhaps this has started to become a cycle; the longer I grow it, the more I don't want to cut it. Is there something more to this? I'm conscious that this isn't the first day I've written about this, so something must have prompted me to keep thinking about it. Maybe it's just because the hair annoys me so much, I did about 4 pieces about cars when I found out I couldn't take my test. I'm literally playing with my hair right now. 

...

I've never cared much about my appearance, especially when I was at school. I thought about my hair in a practical way, rather than an expressionistic one. If I had long hair, I might play with it, or it might distract me, or be used against me in some other way. So I just had it all shaved off, because it was the most efficient thing to do. I'm sure there were other standards at play as well, but I always used this efficient strategy, even when others encouraged me to try something new. It could be a point of, shock or discussion when I went from having a lot of hair to very little. I work from home these days, and, if I'm honest, I don't go out very often. Therefore, there is less downside to not shaving my hair off. I don't get into trouble for playing with it (apart from when I call myself out for it in a book), and I almost always wear a hood when walking around at this time of year anyway. It is more efficient to keep it, since it could keep me warmer this winter. I, don't think about it in an expressionistic way, I never really have.

Perhaps this is the fundamental difference between me and the people who are suggesting what I should do with it. They see and understand the styles and what might look good on me, and they are likely right. But I am not even taking that into consideration. Should I? Does my hair exist purely to keep me warm, and I cut it to keep it out of my eyes? Or does my hair serve a higher purpose? When I watch TV or Youtube or anything like that, nobody really has hair like mine; they have different styles, or use products to tidy it up or 'slick it back'. I don't do any of that, unless of course, it's for a very practical purpose, like being in a show. For characterisation purposes, I once had my head completely shaved, except for an arrow shape in the top. It was a new, expressionistic style, but it was that of a character, and not my own, and I never really considered it my own. 

Maybe thinking about my hair this way, is my unique style. Maybe 'less' will be a trend one day, as bowl cuts were (I imagine they were a trend at some point, even I know what they are). Maybe, I'm making excuses and justifying my laziness around my hair by claiming that I am stepping outside of the accepted norm by adopting my laziness as a 'style'. Or, perhaps my use of my hair has been expressionistic the whole time: I like efficiency and making optimisations wherever I can, and am not too fussed about what people think of how I look, it's my brain that counts. But, that's not true. I've been talking about how other people see me constantly throughout this, so I'm clearly very conscious about it...

...

If only I'd studied philosophy and psychology, then I might be able to get to the bottom of this. As of right now, I can't solve this, but I know I will have to make a decision soon, even if it is just a couple of snips with the scissors. Still, I'm glad that there actually was something in this...