Day 88

Day 88:

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up in the morning, open your eyes a little, look around and think "Hmm.... 

No."

Then, you shut your eyes again and go back to sleep? Then, you remember that you have important things to do today, like work or school or some event that you aren't particularly looking forward to. So, you begrudgingly murmur "HHHmmnnnunn, fine," and haul yourself up. You try to go through your normal routine, maybe even trying to wake yourself up with a shower or some exercise (which is the last thing that you feel like doing), but you don't feel any more awake. You go outside, feel the cold and the chilly chill against your face and hands, but you can still barely keep your eyes open. If someone greets you in an enthusiastic and joyful way, you use all your effort to muster a slight non-frown. 

"Are you feeling good this morning?" they may ask. "Yesn't," is your reply, but you hope they didn't hear the last part. You try to get on with the things you do for work, because you don't quite feel able to focus, and you know that you aren't living up to your usual standard. Trying to stir yourself, you may think about how showing up and hustling every day is what you need to do. "Come on, me, you were doing great yesterday. Where's this slack come from?" Inevitably, you scold yourself for doing poorly, maybe even doubt yourself or start to think that your heart isn't in it, which just makes you feel worse. 

Eventually, after a not-very-productive day, you'll get back from wherever you were, and re-count the annoyance and things you did wrong in your head. Still feeling exhausted, you may even punish yourself for not doing well, trying to ban procrastination for the rest of the night, so you can do all of the household chores that you've been meaning to do. Of course, you feel so physically and mentally exhausted that you end up procrastinating, which makes you feel worse still. In your diary before bed, you'll write about everything that went wrong, and why it was a bad day, and I'm not proud of myself, I thought I was making good progress, what's holding me back now? It's just such a messy situation, how can I get out of it? Stuck here over and over and over again doing the same useless stuff I always do, how have I not gotten better over all of this...

STOP

It's ok. Not every day can be a perfect day. We are human, we get tired, we aren't supposed to feel great and constantly do everything. If you are still thinking and writing about it now, doesn't that show how much you care? How much you do want to be successful, and that drive you have to keep pushing forward? You never gave up, because you never stopped wanting to try and improve. You've felt terrible all day, but you've still gotten up and done the things that you needed to do. If you gave yourself permission to stop and take a break, then you took a great step towards harmony between your mind and body. You probably did some nice, great things even, that you aren't thinking about because of all the negativity. No matter how small, or how regular it may seem, I guarantee you that you achieved something today. I am so proud of you, and you can give yourself permission to be proud too.