Day 113

Day 113:

A wave of fear just came over me.

I thought I had forgotten to write yesterday, and I nearly forgot to write today. 

I came on here to check, and thankfully, I hadn't forgotten to write, but it was a strange feeling. It was like a wave, that rose up through my chest, and I'm still slightly trembling now, even though I know that everything is ok. Maybe this is why I concluded that I would continue to write daily, even though I'm yet to make any more progress on the manuscript of the book itself. 

The idea of losing this streak has become, very frightening. 

Fear and anxiety are not often cited as the best sources of creativity. They can hinder you from tapping into your true creative potential, since you may fear that your work must be a certain way.

Wait. Is, this why I tried changing the rules? So that I could keep mixing things up? To make it seem more creative and interesting? 

I'm, also quite scared of trying to publish this book, to be honest. It is a huge challenge, with huge commitments, and is something that could go very wrong. It could be a total flop, and nobody could read it. Or, people could read it and hate it, which would be worse, really. I know that these works aren't really seen very much. They have never seen a comment, or a like, or any sort of interaction other than a view counter, which is very inconsistent. I'm not sure where those views are coming from; if they are people or machines, if they are anything at all. Perhaps I like it this way, and am scared of the change.

I always imagined that, after Day 100, I would focus hours and lots of my attention to writing the book. I was so looking forward to reading all of the days again, and discussing them. 

I haven't looked at them yet. I have had a lot going on over the past couple of weeks, but I could have allocated the time, had I really wanted to. I must be avoiding it, or procrastinating against it. 

Why?

Am I scared of my own work? Of breaking the status quo of what I've been doing? Of pushing forward?

I don't know. I suppose, the only way to know for sure, is to look back...